My lack of blogging lately has been for a multiple of reasons:
- I’m back at uni
- I’m extremely overwhelmed with the amount of work second year has thrown at me, and am also trying to write for Student World Online and The Gryphon
- My mood swings have been even more intense and rapid than ever before
As I’ve hinted in previous blogs, I am finding it incredibly hard being away from my boyfriend now that he lives in London, and it is even harder now I’m back in Leeds. I feel so far away from him and what makes it worse is I haven’t got my mum to look after me.
In my first ever discussion with a doctor about my mental health, we discussed my rapid mood swings, from extreme highs to extreme lows. The fact that these mood swings have crept back upon me is worrying because it suggests my citalopram isn’t working as it should be. My lows are becoming a sort of uncontrollable mania that looking back on feels like looking at someone else. Then, one thing can happen, like a phone call, and ‘click’, I am myself again. This is when I risk going into an extreme high, where everything is fantastic and I can do anything I put my mind to.
The result of thinking I can do anything I put my mind to is that in these stages I have taken on far more than I can actually handle. Hence being signed up to write for The Gryphon and Student World Online, as well as keeping up with my own blog, at the same time as completing a degree and searching for a placement year job for next year. All myself I have been the person who has gone the extra mile to impress academically, but at the moment I can’t focus; I can’t organize my tasks or even my money. It’s scary.
I also had a blood test yesterday (my first one, AHH!) to test for any dysfunctions with my thyroid, liver or kidneys, that could be contributing to my mood swings. For now, I am taking 30mg of citalopram instead of my usual 20mg (with the doctor’s permission of course). The word ‘bipolar’ has been mentioned which is very scary to me, and as well as a referral to a psychiatrist. My family have seen the signs of it for years and I am only now beginning to see it for myself. I’m home this weekend which is a great relief, and will be visiting Jamie in London next weekend.
So I guess what this post is trying to do is to beg you to bare with me while I sort myself out, because I love seeing how many people read my stuff and I love writing it too! I want to grow my blog but right now I’m a bit stuck, and we all go through that feeling.